KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Welcome to the stomach
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
😎 🍻
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
is it earth
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM