KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50