Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy