Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
some cats are just doing for fun!
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.