Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
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I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows