Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
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*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Sex so good you see dead people.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.