KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
same vibe as tangled headphones
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.