KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
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If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up