Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Never be a pizza!
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.