KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
You Might Also Like
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
asked my bf how work was today
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’