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@TheToddWilliams: KID: Where's grandma?
DAD: She's in a better place now
@CeruleanGates: The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
@PsstCaptain: Teens today have it so easy. We didn't have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
@Mardigroan: Microwave safe? It doesn't seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
@IamEnidColeslaw: making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
@AimeeHelene1: Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.