KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?