me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
You Might Also Like
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
me 2 months after i graduated
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”