Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide