Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
You Might Also Like
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
My Guy
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.