Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
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The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
How times have changed.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
is this how new cars are made??
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)