Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?