Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
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[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.