* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.