Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.