Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Here’s a meme
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.