KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
You Might Also Like
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
is nasa ok
I don’t make the rules sorry
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know