Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
You Might Also Like
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”