Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
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Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people