@OhNoSheTwitnt: Boss: I need you to work late. Me: [sprays her with Pepsi] B: You're fired. Me: So I don't have to work late? B: No. Me: [winks at camera]

@zachreinert03: I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can't kill the same people as the other guy

@MooseAllain: Always the barmaid, never the bar.

@crylenol: Commercial for Twitter dot com: *man yells nonsense out his window* Narrator: Don't you wish there were a better way?

@Sassafrantz: Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.