I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Body by sandwich.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.