@myles_morrison: Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.
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@my_minivan_life: Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
@numbertze: If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
@DirtMcTurd: Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."