@dafloydsta: ME: I’m going to stick my resolutions this year. MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not stick to his resolutions. In fact, he would break every single one of them. And then some.

@StevieKnip: Son: I'm gay, dad. Dad: no I'm gay dad Dad #2: no I'm gay dad

@blaha_Who: Drive me up the wall, so I know you're 4 wheel

@CourtneyBale: Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

@JohnLyonTweets: I hate it when I'm naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.