@gobmentcheese: Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'm very attracted to you right now.

@UmmmSassy: what do u call a sleeping pizza a piZzza ha ha haha someone date me plss

@kimlockhartga: I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

@Black__Elvis: I'm sick and tired of all these goddamn illegal aliens taking jobs away from good, hard-working American aliens.

@KrispyTacoBelle: [Drive thru window] Me: "The guy behind me said he would pay for this..."