When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
This pepper has seen some shit
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
prepare for carbonated trouble
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”