Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Raisins are grape jerky.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed