@MissHavisham: Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
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@OctopusCaveman: Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
@bombsydoll: dude that designs dressing rooms: make em tiny like an upright coffin. good. now make the lighting so that bare skin looks like nightmares.
@iamspacegirl: Ranger Station BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately ME: No way *porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*