“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
that lip filler tho
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face