“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
You Might Also Like
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Tony Hawk, age 6
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*