Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Is your wife single?