@realHamOnWry: Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.
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@onion_an: Dentist switches lamp on: "Now open wide" Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb* Dentist: "This has to stop Denise"
@iwearaonesie: me: Go back! uber driver: Did I miss the turn? me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
@shatterpants: When I go to Subway I always bring a pair of pants that are 10 times to big for me and high five all the workers.