@realHamOnWry: Kids should think twice about threatening to run away from home. It only fills their parents with false hope.
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@david8hughes: [in ambulance] "Sir, do you know your blood type?" "Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red."
@panmidwest: [Walk into a Cat Cafe] Me-I've never eaten cat. What do you recommend? Lady-They're for adopting not eating M-Oh, well can I adopt one? L-No
@LaytesAgain: For women, the worst part of a breakup is probably that incessant little voice whispering "Do something stupid to your hair."
@llvvzz: I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.