Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard