Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
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Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My biological clock is wheezing.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
that de-escalated quickly
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
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u spoke cat all this time??????
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.