Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions