Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
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Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Fight
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
couldn’t resist
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.