Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
a god among men
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.