KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle