*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
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Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”