@MummsThaWord: Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant
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@Cheeseboy22: When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
@sploosk: my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying "this one's on the house" every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
@joshgondelman: The best argument for "the sequel is never as good as the original" is birds v. dinosaurs.