[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
When I said I liked it rough.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life