Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
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She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
oppen heimer style lol
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife