Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
This line from Airplane.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.