Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you