Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
You Might Also Like
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”