KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
john wicks are toilet candles
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.