WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.