Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
<—- homeless romantic
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
The fall of Netflix
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go