Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?