*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
You Might Also Like
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My kitchen overserved me.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”