Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.