*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
How it started: How it’s going:
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?