Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.