@goldengateblond: Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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@Tierno158: Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.
@LoveNLunchmeat: Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they're easily impressed by semicolons.
@gogglepossum: [2 monkeys in a bath] Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!! Monkey 2: If it's too hot Colin, put some cold water in
@FlyJ_: [Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid.