@goldengateblond: Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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@tsm560: Got an extension cord, and moved the microwave right into bed with me. This 2015 is looking like a good one already.
@7_Cents: Good Cop: *reaches for his gun* Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
@justabloodygame: [throwing a party] I invited Judas. That okay? "Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-" *loud knock* "It's the Roman legion. Open up!"
@kimtopher22: I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.